I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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