dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
