I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
