If i come over, it means nothing
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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