finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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