That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
