Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
