I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
