About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
