I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
