I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
