im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
