I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
