If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
