i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
