My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
