there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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