I skipped work to stalk him.
should my penis look like a turkey
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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