I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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