we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im calling her cock vulture from now on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize