the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
