so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
