i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
