white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
