i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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