I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
