And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
