I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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