Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
