Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
