Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
