if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
