I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
