I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
