Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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