we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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