I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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