I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
