i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize