I want to stick my p in your. b.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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