I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
