he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
