Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
