just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
