Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
