They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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