glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
