my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize