Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize