my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
