Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
