I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
