Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
