Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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