I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
