Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
