so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
