Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
this hospital has no fireball
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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