We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Who died my cat blue again?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
