When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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