Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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