I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
