I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
