God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
