It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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