Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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