remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
