I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
