Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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